March 2, 2025
I am not doing well. In terms of functioning, it’s never been worse. I don’t go to class, I don’t do my homework, I don’t wake up until 2pm, I don’t shower, I barely eat or eat too much, I barely drink water but will happily throw-back energy drinks, and all my days pass in a blur.
Forever high. Just keep smoking. Can’t let the feelings creep in. But it doesn’t work, you can’t numb the feelings if all you’re feeling is numb. I am grey.
I can’t breathe; I’m always playing catch-up. It feels like the Earth is spinning too fast. Time is marching forward at a pace I can’t keep up with. I just need the world to pause, I just need a break. I need a moment to breathe. Even when I spend days doing nothing, it still feels too fast; it’s too much. I’m barely alive and my obligations keep slamming into me. I’m drowning; I can’t breathe.
Anyway, I am not doing well.
I take my meds, but they don’t work. It feels like my illness is getting worse. Since mid-December, I’ve been very up and down to an extreme degree. It’s exhausting. I feel lassitude. I never know what side of the moon I’ll wake up on, but once I’m up, I’m stuck in that mood for the rest of the day. Perhaps this is why I avoid sleep. Being tired but certain in what state I’m in is better than going to sleep and having that most unpleasant surprise every day. There’s more to it than simply not wanting to sleep, there’s something keeping me up, but I don’t know what that is. Even when I haven’t slept in over 24 hours, it takes me near an hour to fall asleep, if I’m lucky.
I often can’t keep my eyes closed long enough to fall asleep. Firstly, my eyelids feel fluttery and physically hard to keep closed. It’s almost like they have a mind of their own. I can feel them dance across my eyes. If I manage to overcome this obstacle and keep my eyes closed, then I am met with my unfiltered, rampant thoughts. They often grow so loud. When I’m trying to fall asleep, I think of anything and everything. I have almost no control over where my mind goes or what thoughts enter it. I can’t even stop the disturbing ones from making a scene before my eyes. Even if I can overcome all that, there’s something in me that keeps me awake.
If I don’t figure this out, I will not graduate. Even now, it is 2am and I am avoiding doing homework for an assignment that I have the answers for! I simply can’t be bothered. I am so useless. I must try to get something done. I will make a coffee.